I’ve done for myself today:
Replanted my tomatoes
Made and drank good coffee
Ate a spam musubi my son made for me
Chatted with my Nevada siblings
Cuddled my emotional support cat
Not a bad birthday so far, despite being at work.
We’re home today because of the ice storm and I’ve used some of the time to put a video together from last week. On my ride home I got to the top of the hill on N 83rd Street and was greeted with a lovely sight. Paper bag lanterns with electric candles in them, casting a warm glow and a closed street sign. I got over my guilt at crashing the party and rode through slowly, both to be respectful of the space and to enjoy the ambiance. Here’s the video:
The music is from Starfish Stories, with Adrian Loo, I-Ling Chia & Ivan Chew, and has a creative commons license that allows use with attribution. I really appreciate that their music is available for projects like these, even if my editing ability makes them sound clunkier than they really are (sorry about that fade out). I used to know Ivan as an internet acquaintance; maybe from LiveJournal or Google+? The internet has changed so much that I can’t remember where I met some folks.
The ice storm hasn’t been terribly stormy at my house, but the rain overnight after/during freezing temps has left us with a sheet of ice on everything. It’s beautiful and deadly. I went for a brief walk with microspikes earlier and decided to stay inside where it’s warm. Here are a few photos I took while I was out:
It just started to sleet again. Hopefully it all melts soon.
This year has been one of physical setbacks and recoveries. I’m retraining my hands to be more useful after nerve damage and carpel tunnel release surgery. That’s going pretty well, although there will always be a slight delay in my reactions.
I lost my bike bingo card during that time and found it just before the deadline. By then I was having a different nerve problem. My L5/S1 disc is bulging into my spine, pinching the nerve there and causing a lot of pain in my right leg and foot. I went to the doctor a lot, and physical therapy a lot, got a cortisone shot that did not help. Now I’m scheduled for surgery before the end of the month.
I hope that 2023 is an easier year and that bike rides are more than for commuting again. I do feel very fortunate that my injury is not keeping me from biking completely. I miss hiking so much.
It was a good holiday weekend with the boy (my son) coming down to visit on Saturday and my Roommate coming home that same night. I got quite a lot done and went window shopping with the boy. We did get followed around one of the stores like they thought we were going to steal something. Maybe it’s my purple hair and piercings? Oh well, we left unmolested and they probably sighed with relief that nothing was missing.
Twitter is a dumpster fire that still has some value. I don’t want to lose my handle in case things get better. There are certain things I want to continue to follow like transit, weather, forests, parks and urban planning. And Jorts the Cat, of course. The more changes Musk makes though, the less I want to visit and the fewer other users I want to see are posting.
I’ll try to keep posting here, but admit that my attention is leaning away from social media right now.
The pandemic was a time of fear and healing. I got to know myself better. Had a round of therapy and started medicating my anxiety, but not my ADHD. It’s a different world in some ways.
I also had a round of physical setbacks this last year. I had a biopsy to rule out cancer (not cancer, whew). Carpel Tunnel syndrome finally pushed me to surgery after 25 years of numbness and pain. Then a bulging disc has led to rounds of physical therapy. I’m still having pain from that, but it’s improving. All of this has caused my physical activity to drop off. I am still riding my bike to work, but not really hiking, not walking distances, not going on fun rides or bike camping. I’m telling myself to be patient and that I can pick it up next Spring when I’m well again.
I’ve had a disagreement with my brother and he’s ghosted me. I both understand his need to control his relationships and have sleepless nights going over what could be different. What is wrong. Why does he not love me enough to talk this through? But that’s my anxiety talking and not an accusation. I don’t know what he’s going through. I’m not saying he’s right, just that he has the right to deal with this the way he wants to. And I have the right to step back and make my own decisions about our relationship.
Music helped me through the pandemic. Music is still helping me get through the healing time. Music helps me relax at night and wake up in the morning. I’m thankful for KEXP, for Frightened Rabbit, for The National, for Metric, and for Neko Case.
Anyway, I’m back. Partially because of Twitter disappointment. Partially because I remembered how much I enjoyed writing here. With Google Plus gone for years though, I’m not sure anyone will see it. I’m moving towards positivity.
The world has flipped upside down and I don’t have a name for it. Stay at Home sounds so cozy. Quarantine isn’t quite right. Social distancing has been overplayed and doesn’t describe the situation well. Coronavirus or Covid-19 are too jargony. I need a name for this time that both describes the situation and doesn’t hit you over the head with a virus.
I thought about the Time of Solitude, but like quarantine, that isn’t quite right. I have a roommate and I have friends that I video and phone and text with. There is no physical contact though and that affects me. It reminds me of breaking up with the Sailor and being alone for so long after. I wanted that time to get to know myself, but it was lonely. I did get friend hugs then though and now those are all virtual.
One of the worst things about this global crisis is the unknown. How this thing snuck up on us, was shrouded in misinformation and seen as some people overreacting. It’s been building slowly, each step painful, and now we are sheltering in place. Going out only to buy food or get a little exercise. Maintaining 6 feet of distance from anyone who does not live in your house.
I’ve had time to get used to it now. As things were ramping up, I often had little break down moments. Crying or almost crying, staring blankly into space, overwhelmed by the possibilities. Reading the newspaper line by line in awe of what we are experiencing.
It’s moved from a concept, to people I don’t know, to friends and family of people I do know. It’s becoming more real and closer with each passing day.
I’ve been riding my bike. For the first week, it seemed okay to ride with friends if we kept social distance. Now I ride alone. I bake, I do projects, I fix things right away instead of waiting. No sleepovers with the man I’ve been seeing. No seeing him at all. We text and we call, but we have to wait.
One thing that’s been helping me cope is the Yale Coursera course The Science of Well-Being. It’s free and takes up to 10 weeks to complete, but I finished 2 weeks in one last week. The professor, Laurie Santos, emphasizes the need to be intentional about the good things you experience each day. No matter how small. The things that you think give you happiness–career success, money, material things–don’t really. You always want more and think that happiness lies in the future when you achieve that larger paycheck, that higher grade, that promotion. In reality, happiness lies in enjoying the sun on your face, the apple blossoms in the spring, the way the light hits that leaf just right, your child dancing and singing in the living room to Baby Shark.
I’m sitting
We’ve been talking
But now sound is rushing in and light is rushing away
The darkness creeps in from the edges
Creating a perfect tunnel vision
I tell you “something is not right”
The bathroom as a refuge, maybe there things will return to normal
I stand and the world turns sideways
I become aware
People asking me if I’m okay
Have I eaten today
Taken anything unusual
Yes! No! What?
A woman looks at me with concern, asking questions
Another hovers
A man moves in and then back, the women have it under control
It takes an aggravatingly long time before I can sit up
And I have to lay back down
The darkness takes me again for a moment, but I’m the only one who knows
Or that’s what I think
You are there, nervous, afraid
Later, you will Google symptoms and diagnose me over and over
Trying to find an answer
I get into the chair, apologize for taking people from their dinners
From their dates
From their conversations
I put some food in my mouth, chew, act normal
Just in time
A paramedic with a stretcher enters and is shooed back out at my request
More embarrassment
I’m counting minutes until I can leave
Until the eyes will stop watching
Until I can be myself again
How will I trust my body, my brain, not to betray me?
I get to my feet and leave that place
I don’t look back
I struggle with this time of year, like many. Being an atheist, I celebrate the holidays for family. It’s a good excuse to find goodies for the kiddos and to shop, which I hardly ever do anymore. I mostly enjoy the decorating and music, although certain over the top displays and opinions can send me into a negative jag.
As I embrace my life as a somewhat single forty something, I find myself enjoying my alone time more and more. I do date and have a regular fella. We enjoy each other, but we are both in a phase of our life where we are working on erasing debt, planning for an uncertain retirement in 20 or so years. Not to say this won’t change, but for now, we are not planning on a future together or even on a short term future beyond our next bike adventure. I like coming home to my bedroom where I can sleep in peace. I also like the absence of drama.
Yesterday was solstice. I had lift tickets for The Summit at Snoqualmie from their big sale after Thanksgiving. Too bad it rained all night on Friday. The snow conditions weren’t too bad, but the base wasn’t deep enough and there were runoff ruts that showed up in annoying ways, one time sending me flying. At least I got to test my new bindings. They pop out just fine, I’m happy to report. I went with my roommate and we were both testing out new skis. We had to avoid thin spots, but mostly enjoyed the short runs they had open.
It was snowing heavily the second half of the day, so I think the base will be better soon.
After getting home, I went out to do some shopping and got most of the gifts bought. I did almost all of my shopping in my neighborhood, except some socks I’d gotten directly from Defeet. I’m not great at making a list and checking it twice, so I still have a few more things to get and I need to get a package in the mail for my son, although the main part of his gift is in the mail already. Thank goodness for shops that gift wrap and ship!
I also stopped at the fabric store and got some fleece to make myself a sleeping pillow. Not for my head, but to hug and keep my arms/hand from going numb in the night. I’ve had various stuffed animals over the years that have served this purpose, but the most recent–a blind bunny I got from my niece–has seen better days and as I was sewing up a mend the other day, I thought “why don’t I just make my own?”
On the way home, I stopped at Bitterroot, a restaurant in Ballard named after the Bitterroot Valley in Montana. My roommate, who is from Montana, met me there and I treated him to a birthday dinner (it was a few days ago, but he was neck deep in work then.)
All in all, an excellent day. Here’s a snap of the sunset from downtown Ballard on the Solstice.
I realized I never checked in about my med stuff. It was benign, which is a great relief. Now on to the fun stuff.
I hiked around Mount Shasta in June, which feels so long ago now. It was a really quick trip, but one I’d always dreamed of. As a child we’d go visit my grandparents in California and we’d pass Mount Shasta on the way. I was always wowed by it’s snowy peaks and would sometimes daydream about what it would be like to ski down those slopes. Of course, in my dreams it was like a regular blue run, but long and more fun.
One of my brothers suggested this as a 3 day trip. Shasta is a 10 hour drive from where we live, so that’s a tight turn around. We were joined by my cousin and my brother’s brother in law (say that 10 times fast…) met us there. Another brother came from Reno and met a friend there, but we didn’t see them until our second day.
After the long drive to get there, we set off on the Bunny Flats trail immediately after getting our permits and hiked up to Horse Camp just before dark. It was a beautiful place and we got a good spot under a tree that didn’t have snow. People rave about the composting toilet there and for good reason. It was clean and fresh smelling. There’s a stonework lodge that seemed well equipped. This location is maintained by the Sierra Club Foundation.
We slept until … 3am? maybe 5. I no longer remember. Probably because I hate getting up that early. But since the stars were still out and it was summer, I think it was 3ish. We left our camping equipment behind and just brought our layers, some winter climbing equipment, and some food. We hiked up to Helen Lake, which is where my other brother had camped the night before. Despite our early start, there was a line forming at Misery Hill just as the sun was coming up. The landscape was breathtaking, although it was hard to take pictures because of the dim light.
Helen Lake covered in bright tents.
At this point my merry band had just myself, my brother and my cousin in it. The brother in law had gone ahead after we arrived at Helen Lake. The other brother and friend were somewhere ahead of us. I still had energy, but we were getting tired. I would point at a landmark on the hill and say, “let’s go there, then we can decide if we want to stop.” and finally we hit that point where we decided to turn around. The wind had picked up by that time and was making moving upwards a bit harder.Â
I never had the plan to summit. I wanted to enjoy a hike in the snow on childhood favorite memory. Now I have a new snow filled memory to add to my collection.
The hike down was so gorgeous. It was only 9am when we stopped for this “summit beer.” But you can see what I mean. The coozy is more to protect my hands from the cold than to keep the beer from getting warm.
Here’s a link to the album if you’d like to see more. We camped the last night on National Forest land, which was a first for me. I almost did it again on my Olympic Peninsula bike camping trip in August, but luckily we found a mostly abandoned campground instead.
More about that trip later.
I took a long vacation, with a short work stint in the middle. Then took a long weekend. I’ve had a few adventures.
My friend and I went bike camping to Tolt MacDonald Park in Carnation WA. It was a glamping trip really, since we got a Yurt for the two nights (you have to book 2 nights). It was fun and relaxing. We spent time on the river and I rode Stella around the trails a bit. On the way back, as a way to avoid a mile of 10% grade, we took a very flat detour that added a few miles to our ride, then also added miles by using the Burke Gilman Trail rather than the 520 trail. It was very pleasant, although I am pretty sure that I was just as tired as I would have been if we’d done the hills.
A few days later I flew to Reno to visit family, especially my one year old nephew. We had a nice hike and visited a few breweries. I got to spend some quality time with the little one.
I worked for 3 days, then took another 5 days off. During that time, I did some intense Bike Bingo-ing. I often revisited locations with friends as they went around. I got a blackout and some awesome prizes.
I also attended a bike/walk rally for safer streets with a couple of silly bananas. I gave out my thank you notes for a bingo square that day. It would have been cheating, except that everyone was so interested in Bike Bingo that I think it did the job well.
Next time I’ll tell you about hiking around on Mount Shasta!
Living in Color 