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So, I’ve been thinking a lot about my wish list and what it really means. All of those things are meant to make me and those I care about happier.

Lately, I’ve noticed that I’ve been getting grumpy more often than I did in the past. For some reason being grumpy or unhappy seems like a shameful thing and it’s really hard to admit that it happens. When I look back over the more stressful moments in the last few months, though, I see the pattern. If I hadn’t been in a bad mood, hadn’t been grumpy, those stressful times would not have been so bad. Even though I didn’t actively pursue jealousy and try to take things from others, I was letting my feelings of inadequacy affect my life and the happiness of my family.

There have been times in my life when I’ve realized there is something I need to change about myself, and I went and did it. I needed better self esteem–I went to counseling and worked on changing my attitude. I needed to direct my own life instead of allowing circumstances or other people to guide me–I made that change.

Green Eyed Monster by O-r-c-h-i-d-e-a (cc license)

When trying to uncover the source of my grumpiness, I realized that I was usually unhappy after having some competitive confrontation; something that got in my face and made me feel bad for not being good enough. So I did a Google search: “how do I stop feeling competitive.” I found this article from Life Hacker by Melanie Pinola, which made me realize that it’s not necessarily competitiveness that I’m feeling, it’s jealousy. Whatever issues you find in this article, it made me look at myself in a new way and admit my flaw. And now I’m admitting it on the internet, which means that I have accepted the flaw and I know I have to fix it.

The wish list was my first attempt at fixing my moods, even though I was not thinking about it that way at the time. Now I am very consciously looking at what is making me grumpy, and I found that I was comparing myself to others and feeling lacking. Sometimes this was in social situations where I felt left out, sometimes it’s at work where others are doing good work or I felt my work wasn’t recognized, sometimes it’s on the ride to work where someone passed me. I can see now that this all goes back to self esteem and that maybe instead of fixing that flaw, I covered it up.

My first steps will be to:

  • stop comparing myself to others–or at least notice when I do it and nip it in the bud
  • treat myself well–which will include yoga and morning runs with some rockin’ music
  • and practicing gratitude–reminding myself daily about all of the wonderful people and things in my life. Aren’t they amazing?

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I set a reminder in my calendar to check on progress with my wish list from this post. It was a good time to look. Some things I’ve made progress on, others, not so much. Here’s a run down:

Be more present with my chosen family–The Mister and the girls: lots of time with The Mister, not enough with the girls. I did get to share my new knowledge of the ACT with the oldest, who might be taking the test soon to qualify for a smart kid program.

Also, I did not mean this to leave out my son. I had lunch with him yesterday and got to meet his girlfriend. We had a good time eating sushi and joking around. I wish there was more to do up there in the winter.

Complete craft projects that clutter the basement (some progress already): some progress. Finished my rain chaps, but I already want to change them. I’ve used up more yarn in crochet projects. I have a better idea what I want to donate to work for craft projects.

Get Raven outfitted in an efficient, useful and stylish manner (more on this next post): pretty darned good. New bedding for our cabin, heads outfitted with Riel racks and mirrors. New break resistant dishes and non skid mats in the galley.

Cook and bake more often: I’ve been making a lot of bread. 8 grain, and a baguette that’s improving nicely. Not enough to share with coworkers yet.

Organize my work life better: should probably get on this one.

Run and practice yoga and mediation: running is happening a few times a week. No yoga yet.

Go to Europe: tentative dates for 2016

Spend more time with my siblings and friends: failed mostly. I have been able to run and have coffee with a friend, but I haven’t seen my nephew in about a month. At this age, that’s like missing a years worth of personality and development.

Pay off my debt: +got a debt consolidation loan at a good interest rate and used it to pay off all of my existing credit cards. -Still have not called about student loans.

Get a kayak and go kayaking often: I’ve only gotten to go twice, but otherwise successful. If the temperature goes up above 40° today, I’ll get in a third.

There you go, both more and less than you wanted to know. My next post will be a Raven update. I think I’ll be moving my recites to another blog address as it seems to interrupt the flow here. I’ll post the address when I finally get around to it. I’ll probably use the old blogger I still have that’s languished for years.

Work has been an energy suck lately. While I love my job, I sometimes let it make me anxious and this last month has been one of those times. I’ve also had a set back on the Student Loan Forgiveness front that left me feeling sad.

My friend wrote recently about creating a wish list with some reachable goals and how she’s come along in the last year. This sounds like a great idea, as far as setting a few goals, some easily reachable, but needing some attention, to some things that might take a little longer or a bit more work.

Here it is:

  1. Be more present with my chosen family–The Mister and the girls
  2. Complete craft projects that clutter the basement (some progress already)
  3. Get Raven outfitted in an efficient, useful and stylish manner (more on this next post)
  4. Cook and bake more often
  5. Organize my work life better
  6. Run and practice yoga and mediation
  7. Go to Europe
  8. Spend more time with my siblings and friends
  9. Pay off my debt
  10. Get a kayak and go kayaking often

Some of these things require more time than I feel like I have. I can’t work less, so I have to figure out how to fit them into my daily life. I’d also like to be flexible, as The Mister is sometimes a fly by the seat of his pants kind of guy. Planning too much puts a cramp in his style, and really mine too–sometimes when I plan too much, I start canceling on everything so I can just chill.

I’m putting a monthly reminder in my calendar to check back in on these wishes to see how they’re coming along.

Seattle on a fine October day. Taken from Gasworks Park.